Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
