I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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