Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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