you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
