I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
