They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
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Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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