Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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