I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We smell like vodka and hangover
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