pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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