Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
