i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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