Got a toothbrush?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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