Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
