i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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