I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
