When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!