Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
