I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
