Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
