Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
