why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You left your phone here
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