apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sorry my hands just texted you
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
