I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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