how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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