Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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