Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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