You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
