i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
