you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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