the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
