FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
