Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
