At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
