dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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