Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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