she woke up with a sticky ear
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
