I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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