mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
