I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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