Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
