just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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