I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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