Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
