Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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