I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
