Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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