if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
