love makes seman taste better
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
