What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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