I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
