but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
