Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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