My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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