not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
