1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
