Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
