The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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