it's like russian roulette but with a penis
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
